Post by Darbs on Sept 4, 2013 22:21:00 GMT
These are the absolute rules of cycling. Ignore them at your peril.
1. Obey The Rules… Always
2. Lead by example.
It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them
3. It’s all about the bike.
It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. No bike = no ride. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a pillock.
4. Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.
Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines.
5. Sleeveless jerseys.
Under no circumstances are sleeveless jerseys are to be worn, ever
6. Saddles, bars, and tyres shall be carefully colour matched.
Valid options are:
o Match the saddle to the bars and the tyres to black; or
o Match the bars to the colour of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the colour of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the colour where they come closest to the frame; or
o Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
o Black, black, black
7. No hair should be visible between helmet and glasses.
Absolutely no hair should be visible between front of helmet and top of glasses. (This includes particularly bushy eyebrows). The helmet should be level (not tilted back as if the wind has pushed it up) and a gap of approximately 10 -15 mm between top of glasses and edge of helmet. Straps should meet under the ear and excess strap must not flap in the wind.
8. If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are hard. Period.
Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.
9. It never gets easier, you just go faster.
As this quote by Greg Lemond tells us, “training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard”. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.”
10. Kit colours must match
If your current bike and helmet does not match the club kit, you must purchase a new bike and helmet.
11. Excuses must be plausible and original.
The excuses given for not winning the speed limit sign sprint or failing to get to the top of a climb first must be imaginative, plausible and original. They must not have been used in the previous 21 days or be lame, such as “I haven’t been riding much” or “I don’t feel great”.
12. Family does not come first. The bike does.
Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”
13. The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.
While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n + 1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as n - 1, where n is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
14. If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.
Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.
15. Team kit is for members of the team.
Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it. If you must fly the colours of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
16. Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.
No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC).
17. There are only three remedies for pain.
These are:
o If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
o If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
o If you feel wimpy and weak, toughen up and train more!
18. Cold weather gear is for cold weather.
Longs, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, but you dress like this you will be perceived as a wuss.
19. Cycling caps are for cycling.
Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a pillock, and should result in public berating or beating.
20. Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.
You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block.
21. Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometres.
This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling colleagues, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthal cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their uni-browed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.
22. The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.
Or at least be relatively more expensive. Basically, if you’re putting your Apollo on your Bentley, you’re in trouble, Remember what Sean said.
23. Make your bike photogenic.
When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices are include putting the chain on the big cog, and no bottles in the cages.
24. Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.
Not too long and not too short. No socks is a no-no, as are those sub ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.
25. Socks can be any colour you like.
White is old school cool. Black is cool (ish) too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long. If you feel you must go coloured, make sure they absolutely damn well match your kit. In all cases they must be cycling socks, not socks worn with trousers and a shirt.
26. No frame-mounted pumps.
Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets. The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.
27. Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.
If absolutely necessary, in a converted bottle in a cage on bike.
28. Humps are for camels: absolutely no hydration packs, ever.
Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.
29. Shave your legs.
Real cyclists shave their legs. Legs are to be smooth at all times, ideally shiny. No discussion. If you don't understand why cyclists shave their legs, you are not a cyclist.
30. Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.
On a mountain bike.
31. No helmet peaked visors on the road.
Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade stay home under the umbrella, or wear a cycling cap under your helmet.
32. Eyewear shall be cycling specific.
Colour matched to the helmet and gloves. No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.
33. The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.
No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.
34. Don’t Play Leap Frog.
Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.
35. Never ride without your eyewear.
You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet. If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools.
36. Tyres are to be mounted with the label centred over the valve stem.
Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it, plus it looks better. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.
37. Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.
Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.
38. A cycling race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.
If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a cycling race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a cycling race. Also keep in mind that one should only ever swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture. Swimming and running have nothing to do with cycling.
39. Position matters.
In order to find the optimum position, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.
40. Slam your stem down.
A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.
41. Keep your bars level.
Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar. Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.
42. Drink Beer
Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. There is a good reason why Belguim is a cycling nation. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on poor beer.
43. Saddles must be level and pushed back.
The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big wuss. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle.
44. Keep the rubber side down, shiny side up.
It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bottles will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.
45. Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.
No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.
46. Drink in Moderation.
Bottless are to be small in size. 500ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bottle on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bottle must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bottle in the rear cage if you have a front bottle, or you just handed your front bottle to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bottle should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bottle which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.
47. Keep your kit clean and new.
As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the butt region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.
48. No aero-bars on road bikes.
Aero-bars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain time-trial in the Alps or Pyrenees.
49. Earn your turns.
If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
50. Espresso or macchiato only.
When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.
51. Support your local bike shop.
Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.
52. Hold your line, always.
Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. Never cut to an apex in a group, don’t brake suddenly and always signal your intentions to others in the group. Under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.
53. Like your legs, saddles should be smooth and hard.
Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area.
54. You shall not ride with earphones.
Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80′s hair band you call “music”.
55. Point in the direction you’re turning.
Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right.
56. Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.
This pattern continues until it falls sharply and very suddenly.
57. Maintain and respect your machine.
Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post. This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tyres upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely affect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.
58. No mirrors.
Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.
59. Do your time in the wind.
Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even speed limit sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.
60. Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.
Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 22kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum.
61. Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.
Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bottles during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see rule 60) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg.
62. The purpose of competing is to win.
End of.
63. Train Properly.
Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.
64. Legs speak louder than words.
Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heart rate, or any other riding data.
65. Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.
Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the down tube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.
66. Small computers only.
Forego the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Learn to read your body and learn to push yourself to your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and superflous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple, small, mounted on the stem and wireless.
67. Race numbers are for races.
Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.
68. Helmets are to be hung from your stem.
When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars.
69. Don’t litter.
Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.
70. Remove unnecessary weight.
When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.
71. Fight for the speed limit sign sprints
Speed limit sign sprints must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.
72. Always be Casually Deliberate.
Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.
73. Don’t talk it up.
Crashes may only be discussed and recounted when the rider or spectator has ended up requiring hospitalisation.
74. Close the gap.
Whilst riding in cold conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your arms. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists.The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove said leg warmers.
75. Be self-sufficient.
Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim.
76. Follow the Code.
Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled as a wuss. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique.
77. Descend like a Pro.
All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner.
78. Don’t half-wheel.
Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.
79. The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.
The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck.
80. Don’t surge.
When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway.
81. Never Get Out of the Big Ring.
If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?”
82. No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.
This one also comes from Johan Museeuw, who said to: “food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.
83. No Sprinting on the Hoods
It’s slower and doesn’t look right.
Cycling - The Rules. Adapted from Velominati 2013.
1. Obey The Rules… Always
2. Lead by example.
It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them
3. It’s all about the bike.
It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. No bike = no ride. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a pillock.
4. Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.
Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines.
5. Sleeveless jerseys.
Under no circumstances are sleeveless jerseys are to be worn, ever
6. Saddles, bars, and tyres shall be carefully colour matched.
Valid options are:
o Match the saddle to the bars and the tyres to black; or
o Match the bars to the colour of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the colour of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the colour where they come closest to the frame; or
o Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
o Black, black, black
7. No hair should be visible between helmet and glasses.
Absolutely no hair should be visible between front of helmet and top of glasses. (This includes particularly bushy eyebrows). The helmet should be level (not tilted back as if the wind has pushed it up) and a gap of approximately 10 -15 mm between top of glasses and edge of helmet. Straps should meet under the ear and excess strap must not flap in the wind.
8. If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are hard. Period.
Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.
9. It never gets easier, you just go faster.
As this quote by Greg Lemond tells us, “training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard”. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.”
10. Kit colours must match
If your current bike and helmet does not match the club kit, you must purchase a new bike and helmet.
11. Excuses must be plausible and original.
The excuses given for not winning the speed limit sign sprint or failing to get to the top of a climb first must be imaginative, plausible and original. They must not have been used in the previous 21 days or be lame, such as “I haven’t been riding much” or “I don’t feel great”.
12. Family does not come first. The bike does.
Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”
13. The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.
While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n + 1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as n - 1, where n is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
14. If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.
Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.
15. Team kit is for members of the team.
Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it. If you must fly the colours of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
16. Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.
No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC).
17. There are only three remedies for pain.
These are:
o If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
o If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
o If you feel wimpy and weak, toughen up and train more!
18. Cold weather gear is for cold weather.
Longs, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, but you dress like this you will be perceived as a wuss.
19. Cycling caps are for cycling.
Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a pillock, and should result in public berating or beating.
20. Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.
You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block.
21. Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometres.
This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling colleagues, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthal cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their uni-browed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.
22. The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.
Or at least be relatively more expensive. Basically, if you’re putting your Apollo on your Bentley, you’re in trouble, Remember what Sean said.
23. Make your bike photogenic.
When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices are include putting the chain on the big cog, and no bottles in the cages.
24. Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.
Not too long and not too short. No socks is a no-no, as are those sub ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.
25. Socks can be any colour you like.
White is old school cool. Black is cool (ish) too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long. If you feel you must go coloured, make sure they absolutely damn well match your kit. In all cases they must be cycling socks, not socks worn with trousers and a shirt.
26. No frame-mounted pumps.
Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets. The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.
27. Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.
If absolutely necessary, in a converted bottle in a cage on bike.
28. Humps are for camels: absolutely no hydration packs, ever.
Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.
29. Shave your legs.
Real cyclists shave their legs. Legs are to be smooth at all times, ideally shiny. No discussion. If you don't understand why cyclists shave their legs, you are not a cyclist.
30. Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.
On a mountain bike.
31. No helmet peaked visors on the road.
Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade stay home under the umbrella, or wear a cycling cap under your helmet.
32. Eyewear shall be cycling specific.
Colour matched to the helmet and gloves. No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.
33. The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.
No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.
34. Don’t Play Leap Frog.
Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.
35. Never ride without your eyewear.
You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet. If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools.
36. Tyres are to be mounted with the label centred over the valve stem.
Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it, plus it looks better. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.
37. Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.
Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.
38. A cycling race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.
If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a cycling race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a cycling race. Also keep in mind that one should only ever swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture. Swimming and running have nothing to do with cycling.
39. Position matters.
In order to find the optimum position, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.
40. Slam your stem down.
A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.
41. Keep your bars level.
Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar. Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.
42. Drink Beer
Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. There is a good reason why Belguim is a cycling nation. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on poor beer.
43. Saddles must be level and pushed back.
The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big wuss. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle.
44. Keep the rubber side down, shiny side up.
It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bottles will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.
45. Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.
No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.
46. Drink in Moderation.
Bottless are to be small in size. 500ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bottle on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bottle must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bottle in the rear cage if you have a front bottle, or you just handed your front bottle to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bottle should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bottle which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.
47. Keep your kit clean and new.
As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the butt region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.
48. No aero-bars on road bikes.
Aero-bars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain time-trial in the Alps or Pyrenees.
49. Earn your turns.
If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
50. Espresso or macchiato only.
When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.
51. Support your local bike shop.
Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.
52. Hold your line, always.
Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. Never cut to an apex in a group, don’t brake suddenly and always signal your intentions to others in the group. Under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.
53. Like your legs, saddles should be smooth and hard.
Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area.
54. You shall not ride with earphones.
Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80′s hair band you call “music”.
55. Point in the direction you’re turning.
Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right.
56. Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.
This pattern continues until it falls sharply and very suddenly.
57. Maintain and respect your machine.
Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post. This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tyres upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely affect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.
58. No mirrors.
Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.
59. Do your time in the wind.
Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even speed limit sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.
60. Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.
Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 22kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum.
61. Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.
Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bottles during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see rule 60) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg.
62. The purpose of competing is to win.
End of.
63. Train Properly.
Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.
64. Legs speak louder than words.
Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heart rate, or any other riding data.
65. Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.
Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the down tube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.
66. Small computers only.
Forego the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Learn to read your body and learn to push yourself to your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and superflous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple, small, mounted on the stem and wireless.
67. Race numbers are for races.
Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.
68. Helmets are to be hung from your stem.
When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars.
69. Don’t litter.
Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.
70. Remove unnecessary weight.
When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.
71. Fight for the speed limit sign sprints
Speed limit sign sprints must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.
72. Always be Casually Deliberate.
Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.
73. Don’t talk it up.
Crashes may only be discussed and recounted when the rider or spectator has ended up requiring hospitalisation.
74. Close the gap.
Whilst riding in cold conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your arms. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists.The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove said leg warmers.
75. Be self-sufficient.
Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim.
76. Follow the Code.
Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled as a wuss. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique.
77. Descend like a Pro.
All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner.
78. Don’t half-wheel.
Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.
79. The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.
The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck.
80. Don’t surge.
When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway.
81. Never Get Out of the Big Ring.
If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?”
82. No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.
This one also comes from Johan Museeuw, who said to: “food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.
83. No Sprinting on the Hoods
It’s slower and doesn’t look right.
Cycling - The Rules. Adapted from Velominati 2013.
